Hey there. Sorry it's been a while since my last chitchat. This whole process is unbelievably time consuming. The insurance company requires a several step task list to ensure that I will go through with the process no matter how complicated it is. Honestly, it's a good idea because you can't help but think about it from every angle. This transition is on my mind constantly and I have begun to think of my life in two parts: who I am now and what it will be like as "Becky Mock 2" (I hope you like my new direction). Anyway, I apologize for not keeping this blog going as I had hoped but I will take a few minutes to catch you up.
I have been working my way through my list of tasks. Here is a list of requirements:
1. Monthly visits with my surgeon (always positive, always supportive. Tentative surgery date: 9/20/11)
2. Sleep study (one of the most bizarre nights of my life and that is saying something if you knew me in college or during my tenure in New Brunswick) P.S. - no sleep apnea, thankfully
3. Gastroenterologist for an Endoscopy. (Did it. Done. Found a possible small hiatal hernia which may have an effect on my surgery but we won't know until the actual procedure. It may have to be done as a complete gastric bypass and that scares me but I am willing to do it if that is the best choice in the reality of that moment.)
4. Therapist to ensure that I am not doing this because I am bored and want something to do. (Apparently that happens...)
5. GP sign off.(I have a new GP (long story) and she seems like a good fit.)
6.Dietician. (So far, so good. I was happy to hear that I already enjoy a lot of the foods I am supposed to eat and have been using them for years.)
7. Cardiologist for a stress test. This is upcoming so I don't have much to report.
I have started telling more and more people about the surgery, I mean besides in a blog that complete strangers are able to read. I have told a few people at work and the reactions differ greatly. I have received support, projection and flat out stunned silence. I have made it clear to those I have shared it with that while I am not broadcasting it to the entire department I am willing to answer questions if anyone wants to know the who, what, where, why and how.
My family is supportive but my parents are understandably anxious. They have a friend who's daughter recently had a weight loss surgery and wound up in a coma for months. As a parent, I would be scared, too, but amazingly they continue to support me. I started to talk with Marley (my seven year old) about what I am doing and why. She has only known me as fluffy (our loving word for fat) and is a little scared of not feeling my softness that comforts her. I promised her I would keep some padding just in case she needs a mushy hug. Lex is kinda oblivious. To be honest, she is going through her own scary time as she prepares for starting school and being on her own so we take it a day at a time. Kenny has been amazing. This a big transition for us as a couple, friends, parents and partners. He has met with my surgeon, attended a support group meeting and has started thinking of ways to change how we eat. I know things will be very different in a few months but having him in my corner is a huge help.
The "food mourning" has already begun and it's really strange. Every time I eat something I wonder, "will I ever eat this again?" I have never deluded myself into believing that I don't have an emotional relationship with food but I just didn't realize how intense it is. I find I want to gorge more because I feel like I have started the break up process of dumping my unhealthy co-dependent self because, well, yeah, that's what is happening. Maybe I should make a mix tape and entitle it "It's me, not you".
Recently, I have been fortunate to reconnect with several friends from high school, college and beyond. These reunions have been really healing in a way that I didn't expect. I mean, sure, I wanted to just hang out my friends and shoot the shit but I also found these pieces of myself that I thought were gone. Luckily, they weren't. My world has become larger, warmer and more nurturing. It's nice to know that we all have to grow and change but at the same time 15 years can feel like 15 minutes when you get back together. Ain't that some shit?
Well, these are my late night ramblings. I hope you and yours are well and that you are enjoying your summer.
Love,
b
