And then there was me.

I am still wondering if I am nuts to be posting this but for some odd reason I need to be in a place of complete honesty with myself and what better way to do that than to establish of a path of truth. You know that I am all about living in my truth and this new adventure that I am embarking on couldn't be more real.

No big shock here but...I am fat. I know, I know! Big shocker there. And not just pleasantly plump or anything cute like that. I am fat and much to my dismay now morbidly obese. I have been struggling with my weight since I was ten years old. I was petite until the summer before fourth grade when I began puberty and gained weight over the summer, then add getting my first pair of glasses and the target on my head was instantaneous. I remember fourth grade as one of the worst years of my life. Up until then I sort of blended into the back ground and had my share of friends. I was content with being myself. Even as I write this post I feel the churning in my stomach that I started to live with for many years. I was teased, bullied and generally treated like shit. I had never felt so unsure of myself and it was shocking.

I went on my first diet that following summer losing 20 lbs before entering the fifth grade. I felt better about myself but at the same time I was surprised at how my weight became about everyone else. The comments and back handed compliments were confusing and left me feeling even more insecure. So wait, if I lose weight I am tolerable but the more I weigh the less value I have? From that time on I have been struggling and obsessing about my weight.

Every few years I would diet for months and lose a significant amount of weight. Let's see there was the time in tenth grade because I was interested in this guy that pretty much told me that I would be perfect for him if I were a size 4. Um, excuse me, a fucking size 4! Are you kidding me? But I wanted his approval and my self esteem depended on it. To make matters worse he was emotionally abusive and even physically rough at times but that didn't stop my need for him to be attracted to me. I know I can't be mad at someone for not being attracted to me but the manipulation I tolerated was unforgivable, unforgivable of myself.

The behavior continued into college and then into my twenties as I followed the same path of weight loss, desire to be loved and then the shame when the weight slowly came back. Was I ever going to get this right?

In my mid twenties I really took the bull by the horns and changed my life significantly. I quit my 6 year smoking habit, caffeine and sugar. As of today I can say that I rarely consume caffeine and haven't smoked one ciggy in 15 years. I walked twice a day religiously. It was easy because I was single, answered only to myself and how I spent my time and how much or little I ate. My weight loss during the next couple of years was significant and liberating. For the first time in my adult life I saw how the other half lived. I equate it to the Eddie Murphy sketch on SNL "White Like Me" when he experimented with being a white man and noticed how differently white people were treated such as a cocktail party on the bus, given free money at the bank, etc. If you haven't checked this out I highly recommend it. It's hilarious and exemplifies my reaction to my new "status" as a thinner person. Here's the link: http://www.hulu.com/watch/10356/saturday-night-live-white-like-me

I couldn't believe how different it was. People smiled at me, gave me free stuff, held the door open (I can't tell you have how many doors I have had closed on me) and spoke to me freely and happily. I acknowledge that some of that was my new sense of happiness in myself and that definitely makes a big difference in how others relate to you. I am not blaming the world at large here but you cannot deny that the prejudice about weight is alive and well in America.

I enjoyed my time as the "thin me" for a couple of years but then the weight came back on. I met my husband when I was thinner and spent years terrified that he would leave me because I was getting fatter and fatter. I was on the Weight Watchers program several times finding short lived success and getting more and more frustrated and depressed with every subsequent weight gain.

I then tried to be happy with how I was. I mean don't get me wrong I have MANY blessings and regardless of my weight I am thankful for them every single day but it doesn't change how I feel about myself. I feel so much shame about these failures and it becomes an emotional weight gain as well. I have always admired people that love themselves exactly as they are. I worked at that as well but it didn't work. I come away feeling like I am not really living my truth. Is it the whole "skinny person in a fat person's body" thing? Hmm...is it?

Yeah, no. It is so much more than that and anyone with an addiction problem will tell you the same thing. It's the emotional component that makes addiction so well...addicting. I don't eat just to eat. I often eat to feel. There's a rush involved in the "high" that is as addictive as coke or booze. Of course, our society doesn't view weight issues as addictions but rather as laziness and lack of self control. Perhaps I do lack self control but tell me, don't we all in some aspect of our lives? Why are some addictions "acceptable" and tolerated as a "disease" but eating addiction is about "putting the fork down and going outside for a run when you're hungry". Hmm...fuck you and your simplistic analysis. Do you walk up to an alcoholic and say, "just put the drink down and go for run around the block"? Didn't think so.

In the past few years I have been shocked at how hating fat people has become so prevalent. It's as though obesity is the last socially acceptable prejudice allowed in our country. A few months back there was this whole controversy over a CBS showed entitled "Mike and Molly". A blogger wrote an article essentially stating that it was unacceptable to produce a show that was based on two overweight people falling in love. This article was, in my opinion, stupid and careless but it was the readers' comments that floored me. Some people were saying that fat people are disgusting and that they can't even look at them without wanting to throw up, etc. you get the point. Fortunately A LOT of people reacted by telling her to stuff it so she retracted her statement...sort of. Here is the article (and retraction): http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/dating-blog/overweight-couples-on-television
NOTE: Did you see the part where she bestows her advice about how to eat fruits and vegetables and exercise more? She's such a peach...a peach that I would like to fucking stomp into the ground but that's just me.

So, am I really some beast that is costing the country millions of dollars? No, I am pretty sure Wall Street took care of that but it certainly doesn't stop me from feeling like I am some sort of villain just for not being aesthetically pleasing.

As some of you know I had a really intense health scare last summer that had NOTHING to do with my weight. I developed blood clots that went to my lungs as a result of a medication I was taking at the time. It was one of the scariest moments of my life especially because I was perilously close to losing it. That experience brought me up short. I had never faced my mortality so succinctly before and it was a defining moment. I started to think about what matters to me and of course the love and well being of my family was first and foremost but in the back of my mind it was the knowledge that if life is so precarious then what am I doing wasting my time not being happy with myself? It was the first time I put any serious thought into weight loss surgery.

I won't lie to you; I used to think that people who did that were taking the "easy way out". Yes, I too was thinking like a complete asshole. I was buying into the hype and being a total hypocrite but making this decision is anything but easy. Honestly, it's scary but so is struggling with my weight and the possible complications for the rest of my life. For the first time I am thinking about a life long commitment to a healthier me rather than being social acceptable for the rest of the world. That is a remarkably large realization.

I am now 39 years old and I have decided that my path must take a new course. It's been nearly 30 years since my first diet and I can't do it again. I have an appointment with a bariatric surgeon next week and I going to explore my options. I am pretty sure I am going to get the gastric sleeve procedure. Here is a description: http://www.jerseybariatrics.com/gastric_sleeve/gastric_sleeve.htm

This is a big step for me and a big life style change. In order to be approved for this surgery there is a six month process with intense regulations that must be completed before being approved. I am taking the first step in this direction and it's intense. I don't take any of this lightly and am not sure what this adventure will bring but I know there is more to me than being fat.

I would like to blog about this journey. Am I being self-indulgent? Yep. I am not asking anyone to feel obligated to participate in this so if you see my post feel free to go on by but if you are willing to hang on for the ride I will be as honest about it as I can.

Love,
b