Food: My BFF/My Frenemy

First things first: THANK YOU! You guys seriously rock. I am humbled and touched by all of the support I am receiving. It means more to me than I can say. Coming "clean" with this life long struggle has made this process a little less intimidating. So, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. :)

Last night I attended a Bariatric Surgery Group. It's a support group for people who have had surgery, are awaiting surgery or contemplating surgery. I guess I fall into the "contemplating surgery" group since I haven't met with the surgeon yet but hoping a week from now I will be moving over to the "awaiting surgery" group. I find these meetings a helpful insight into what awaits. The Dr. asked those of us who are not yet in the process to ask any questions we had. To be honest I have so many questions and the whole thing still feels surreal but there is one element of this process that I really want to know: do you still have food cravings? I feel like my cravings rule my life. I don't always give into them but it doesn't mean they aren't hard at work. I haven't met a peanut butter cup I haven't liked...IN MY BELLY! Is it possible I won't even like them anymore? Am I ok with that? That, my friends, is a serious quandary.

So let's look at that. What's your favorite nosh, craving, must have go to food? Are you one of those awesome people who goes for a run or craves, I don't know, quinoa? (I will NEVER crave quinoa. Just sayin') Perhaps a big ol' pint of Ben and Jerry's Maple Blondie? What does it for you? What if you could take that craving away? Wow, think of all that brain space I would have to do other things. Not to mention the fact that I apparently think about cravings so much that I can write a post about it. One of the woman who had her surgery in January said that she went through a mourning period because food is no longer her buddy. That really got me thinking. Have I personified food into some sort of companion?

The short answer is yes, oui, si, you betcha, ja...OH HELLZ YEAH! I have never looked at it quite that way but it really makes sense. Food is my BFF and frenemy at the same time. When I feel alone, anxious, angry, sad the food is there as a great comfort. I tend to eat in the evening at home. During my work day I eat well and stay away from junk food. I believe part of that is because I am not emotionally invested in my job. Sure, I have some great friends that I truly care for but as a whole I maintain my distance. But once I get home I just want to eat. I am looking for the fastest way to reconnect with myself after a day of emotional abstinence. If the surgery is going to eliminate that part of the equation then I wonder what will replace it?

I have always been an emotionally driven person. Sometimes in a good way and others...well, not so great. My emotions allow me to easily listen to my intuition and be both compassionate and empathetic. These are characteristics that I admire in myself and am thrilled to share with the people in my life. On the other hand I also personalize things too much. I am not good at letting things roll off my back. Instead they roll into some delicious morsel and attach themselves to my gut. My emotions are literally my baggage. That has to change.

Realistically I know that I won't have it all "figured out" in a few months. I mean it has taken YEARS to get me to this place but my hope is that without cravings I will be able to face my feelings head on. I am not very good at processing upsetting things in the moment. After my brother was hurt I didn't have any idea how to feel that kind of pain, fear, etc. I just sort of packed it away and ignored it and this is what I have been doing for years. Unfortunately, they are never really gone. Instead they are just buried so deeply that I forget about them or try to. Food is a really great buffer for repressed feelings but also very destructive. I have gone through years of therapy, which is why I am still here, but it's time to move to the next level.

In all honesty, this is the part of the process that really scares me. Sure, I look forward to looking better, buying regular sized clothes and feeling more comfortable in my body but the fundamental shift I am hoping for is finding a new way to be present with myself. That is very daunting but I know it's the key to this journey.

I have no doubt I will touch on this subject again. It's the root of this decision and will need lots of TLC along the way.

Once again, thanks for checking in. Believe it or not this blog is like a truth serum that is long overdue.

Be well.
Love,
b